Mental Health
May was Mental Health Awareness Month, and it only seemed fitting that I write about my own mental health.
However, I started this post, the month came and went, and I couldn’t bring myself to finish writing it.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve fought depression and anxiety for years.
I was ashamed of it for a long time, and there were plenty of people who tried to shame me for it.
People would tell me that I was seeking attention, or that I was exaggerating my symptoms.
I was told that I wasn’t reading my bible enough, or praying enough.
I was told that therapy was a sign of weakness (which is not a bad thing) and don’t even mention meds because they were “unnatural".”
I let my mental health (however poor it was) affect my relationships, my friendships, my marriage and my family for too long.
I let myself believe that I was alone, despite knowing full well that I was telling myself a lie.
But almost one in ten men have daily feelings of depression or anxiety (according to the American Psychological Association). A third of those men take medication every day. A fourth speak to a mental health professional on a regular basis.
A whole 30.6% of men have suffered from a period of depression or anxiety during their lives.
The suicide rate is four times higher for men than it is for women.
I’ve written about this before. About the effect that it’s had on my life.
Recently, I decided to make an appointment for a physical. It was a routine thing, just to establish care because I’m in a new place, and haven’t actually gone to a doctor in over ten years (last time I played a sport regularly).
It was during this appointment that—as always—they began asking questions about mental health.
“Have you had depressive or suicidal thoughts recently?”
“Yes.”
“Have you thought about killing or harming yourself in the last year?”
“Yes.”
A long pause. “In the last six months?”
“Yes.”
Another long pause. “In the last four weeks?”
“Yes.”
“In the last week?”
This time the long pause was mine. I know how these things work. I know that these assessments are created to raise red flags, and if I answered truthfully to this last question, I was going to have an even longer discussion with my (new) doctor, and she was probably going to prescribe therapy and medication.
In that moment, the things that flashed through my mind weren’t, “this will help me get better,” but rather “what will people think of me if they find out I’m even having this discussion?”
We expect those around us to be stronger that us, and are surprised when they’re not.
From experience I know that we especially expect our leaders and pastors to not need any “outside help” with their mental health.
We have this lie sitting in our brain from years of bad biblical teachings that when Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ,” he meant that we can do literally anything we set our mind to through magical or miraculous means.
But that’s not what Paul meant.
When Paul says that Christ sustains him, he is talking to a church that wants to know how Paul is still pastoring them well through imprisonment and torture. Not how he’s able to magically keep his head up.
Through Christ I have been a husband, a father, a son, a friend, a pastor and an employee, despite my anxiety and depression.
Through Christ I’ve been able to do my job—and do it well, I might add!—and I have made it this far in life.
But through Christ we also have modern medicine. Through Christ we also have the miracle of doctors that know about the human body and the things we need.
So I made a decision. In that moment, I decided that I was going to finally take a real step towards getting better. All my prayers, all my study, all my time with God had led me to this moment, even though I didn’t intend to be here at all.
I just came in for a checkup.
But I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a month now.
It’s taken a long time for me to finish writing this post, but I think it’s important.
Not because I want people to pity me, and certainly not because I want people to think I’m brave or anything.
But because I want you to know that you’re not alone.
God gave us tools to help us grow and thrive.
There’s no shame in using them.
So feel free to ask questions.
Feel free to make comments and send support.
And more importantly, please feel free to reach out. I’m here for you, and you’re not alone.
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